Cooking Sucks.

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2006-08-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

Homemade Flour Tortillas! Easy and Fun HUGZ!

2006-04-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

Okay can I say that some experiments turn out to be direct gateways to hell? I got the hip, happenin' idea to go all foody and make my own tortillas last night, right, becuase what the hell, I used to be a baker, and it's not even freaking leavened, you know?

My hands still hurt. I am filled with shame and angst, and have been listening to ACDC and eating pork rinds ever since. With much beer. Annotated recipe, for those who cannot help but check out a train wreck in progress:

-= Exported from BigOven =-

Flour Tortillas

Recipe By:
Source: Southwest cookbook
Serving Size: 12
Cuisine:
Main Ingredient:

-= Ingredients =-
* ; 4 cups Unbleached all purpose flour
* ; 2 teaspoons Salt
* ; 4 teaspoons Baking powder
* ; 2 tablespoons Vegetable shortening
* ; 1 1/2 cups Warm water or more if needed

-= Instructions =-
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, salt and baking powder. With a pastry blender, a fork or your hands, gradually work in the lard or shortening until it is all incorporated. Add enough warm water to make a soft but not sticky dough. Turn out onto a lightly floured board and knead for 5 minutes.
Divide the dough into 1/4 cup (3 oz) portions and form them into balls.
Roll each ball into a flat round about 6 inches in diameter and 1/8 inches thick.
Heat a large heavy skillet over medium high heat. Place the tortillas one at a time into the dry hot skillet; cook until brown on one side, then turn and brown the other side.
Remove from the skillet and keep warm in cloth towel.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: http://www.bigoven.com **

Okay, now for the pain and suffering. The first obstacle that bitch slapped me is the fact that I cut my right index finger 3 minutes before starting. So here I am bleeding into sterilized medical gauze and waterproof paper tape, whilst faced with the prospect of cutting shortening into flour. Do I own a pastry cutter? Hell no. Am I about to use a fork? "Two knives, criss-crossed"? God that phrase just pisses me off. How the heck does one use two criss-crossed knives to cut shortening into flour? I've never figured that out. So of course, all of these "I went to culinary school" techniques are totally out of my range, so I just use my fingers. However, I usually use both hands. I'm thinking that blood-flavored tortillas might suck, so I commence to using one hand. Yes, dear Virginia, this took 15 minutes.

Now I'm ready to add the water and knead. This wasn't too bad, but after cutting the shortening one handed and kneading for ten minutes, my one good hand was killing me. After this? Cut 14 equal portions of the dough (yes it serves 12, but I'm a cheap bastard), and roll to 1/8th inch thick rounds. Thus goes by the next HOUR AND A HALF.

The end result was great, but it's hard to enjoy tortillas when you are angry and in pain.

End verdict for Jake: buying this: http://www.leosimports.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=16

End verdict if you hate to cook: buy this:

http://www.shop.com/op/aprod-p23723057-k24-g4-~tortillas-nover?sourceid=3

Kick Ass Ramen Recipes

2006-04-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

Found this blog/website/whatever today: http://mattfischer.com/ramen/ which appears to be devoted entirely to the subject of enhancing one's 8 cent noodles. If I could marry this man and have his children, I would seriously consider it. Well okay, that's not true. I'd probably whore myself out to the talk shows as the first man with ovaries instead. Check it out.

Why is Craftster eating Wikipedia?

2006-04-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

Look over there to the right.... your other right.... why is my little Craftster icon eating the Wiki link..... It's like they're mating.....

Rancher's Beans

2006-03-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

Frijoles Rancheros, as my grandmother never called them, are exquisitely easy to make and enjoy, whether you are down home white trash such as myself or a busy as all hell suburban pillar of the community. The ideal serving suggestion for these is with sweet cornbread with salted butter, which follows the recepe below.

-= Exported from BigOven =-
Rancher's Beans

Recipe By: Jake
Serving Size: 6
Cuisine: American
Main Ingredient: Beans

-= Ingredients =-
2 cans of white beans 16 oz
2 cans of black beans 16 oz
1 16 ounce jar salsa (as hot as you like it)

-= Instructions =-

Using your can opener, open the four cans of beans and dump into a medium sized saucepan (translation - whatever it all fits in). Add the jar of salsa, and cook on medium heat until it jsut begins to bubble. Stir it quite regular unless you enjoy scraping burnt beans off the bottom of your medium sized saucepan.

Voila. Serves six. Now for the cornbread - the most important ingredients here are the pre made boxed mixes. Who the hell wants to fool around with making cornbread from scratch? What is this, Little House on the Prairie???

JIFFY CORNBREAD

1 Jiffy yellow cake mix
1 Jiffy cornbread mix
3 eggs

Mix both together and follow directions on cornbread mix. Makes delicious, sweet cornbread.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: http://www.bigoven.com **

Now just a note about the most important technique I've illustrated above. Anyone can pour a can of beans into a pot and add some Pace, so cooking this meal alone won't win you any brownie points if you're trying to impress. However, if you serve your Frijoles Rancheros along with fresh baked sweet cornbread and salted butter, then you look like you know what your doing.

Strawberry Yogurt Smoothie

2006-03-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

This post serves a dual purpose - one, to add another recipe to the blog that fits our criteria, and two, to test a piece of recipe management software called BigOven. So far, in using the demo version, I'm really very excited - it seems to be everything I'm looking for, and at a low, low price too.

Please excuse me for assuming that you have a blender in your kitchen. If you do not, just dump the ingredients into a large bowl, and smash with your feet until well combined. Then give it to the cat and drink a beer instead.

-= Exported from BigOven =-

Strawberry Yogurt Smoothie

-= Ingredients =-
1 1/2 cups cold fat free milk
1 1/2 teaspoons strawberry ; low calorie soft drink mix
1 container (8oz.) vanilla lowfat yogurt
1 cup frozen strawberries

-= Instructions =-
Place all ingredients in blender in order listed; cover.

Blend on high speed until smooth. Serve immediately.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: http://www.bigoven.com **

D-I-V-O-R-C-E... not just a song by Tammy Winette....

2006-03-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

So it turns out I'm getting divorced. I've kind of struggled on how this would hit the blog, but I think I've decided to include it after all. For one thing, this seriously hits my ability to act as a test kitchen for my loverly Internet babies that detest cooking - after all, my budget is seriously impacted by all this as my soon-to-be-ex-wife and I work together to set up not one, but TWO households. All of a sudden, I find myself cooking for three (include in that daily lunches) on a foodshoestring.

Right now, my current budget as a brand-spanking-new Single Dad allows $200 per month for groceries. That seems high, but at the same time, I'm just not sure... I'm ashamed to say that I've never paid a lot of attention to what we spend on groceries. We've always just bought what we needed... crying shame that. Makes me realize just how much I've taken it all forgranted.

But anyways, enough about me, here's a recipe.

-= Exported from BigOven =-

Cold and Bitter

Yummy divorce inspired coffee. MMMM the sweet smell of sarcasm..... just like mom used to make.

Recipe By: Jake's sleep deprived head
Serving Size: 1
Cuisine: American
Main Ingredient: Coffee

-= Ingredients =-
1/2 ounce Kahlua
1/2 ounce Malibu Coconut Rum
5 drops Baily's Irish Creme
7 ounce Cheap assed, generic, stale coffee

-= Instructions =-
To prepare: Pour equal parts Kahlua and Malibu rum into a shot glass. Add a few drops of Bailey's irish cream. In a tall glass of ice, combine this with 7 ounces of the nastiest, most generic, no-frills-roasted-sixteen-years-ago-no-name-jackass-coffee you can find. Brew it however you like it, and let it sit right up until the oil floats on the top.

Voila - enjoy the fruits of your combined sweetness and negligence.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: http://www.bigoven.com **

Walnut Chicken Salad

2006-02-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

Chicken Salad is one of life's unsung pleasures. Far better than tuna salad, in my ever so humble opinion, and lends itself to wacky additions (such as walnuts) much better. You'll notice that this recipe has 6 ingredients, but one of them is salt, which you can leave out, so quitcher bitchin'.

List of Ingredients

1 lb Chicken, light meat, meat only, cooked and cubed
1/4 cup walnut pieces
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/4 cup raw celery, minced (cut up real tiny)

Instructions for Preparation

Starting with cooked chicken, that you've either skinned, boned, and diced ahead of time, or purchased that way (god I love modern shopping), simply mix these ingriedients in a medium bowl for a delicious chicken salad. This goes well with pork rinds or rolled up in large romaine lettuce leaves.

Stocking Your Pantry

2006-02-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

There are many pages all over the net with tips and notes for stocking a pantry. Most of these will be next to worthless for you, because they assume you would rather cook than have your teeth pulled, which is likely not the case. The number one rule for stocking your pantry/ kitchen shelves is this: there is no weakness in shopping for convenience. Remember that our goal is to meet or reduce 15 minutes of prep time with five ingredients per recipe, so that means we will rely a lot on boxed foods, canned goods, and one-skillet/pot meals in general. With that in mind, shopping becomes a lot less daunting, as we will certainly never need the appropriate “staples” required to grind our own wheat kernels into flour, or whatever ridiculous crap our “love to cook” friends will often do. Below, see the bare minimum listing. Below that, see some tips for “extras”.

Baking and Spices

• Salt and Pepper, natch. If you hate to cook, but cook to impress, I suggest a sea salt grinder and pepper mill, simply for the haute cuisine appearance of grinding your seasonings into the pot as you go. In addition, pick up some “targeted” spices, such as poultry spice, steak spice, etc. Then you don’t have to remember what goes on what.
• All-Purpose Flour
• Bisquick
• Crisco

Condiments

• Mayo, ketchup, and mustard – the basics.
• Other condiments can be picked up ad hoc according to the recipe you are making. Avoid keeping everything you can think of on hand all the time – it wastes space, and if you hate to cook, it will likely go bad before you use it.

Fridge – Eggs, cheese, milk, and butter. Outside of that, shop for the fridge in terms of what you plan to do. If you follow this Blog’s advice, you’ll be creating a personal cookbook, and shopping weekly for it. If you go some other route (i.e., different recipe every day, etc.) then shop accordingly. Don’t fill your fridge – instead, fill an envelope with this month’s grocery money, and do your refrigerated shopping as you go. Rule of thumb: buy it to use it, not to stock up.

Freezer – the freezer’s different. You can shop till you vomit and fill your freezer with the meats from your personal cookbook (ground beef, steaks, chicken breast, bologna and other lunch meats, etc), frozen dough (bread dough, croissants, etc.), convenience foods (i.e., frozen waffles, microwavable taquitos, etc).

The advice above is minimal – however, I wouldn’t spank anyone who chooses to keep the following stuff on hand as well:

Garnish – Remember the old saw about real estate, where location is everything? In cooking, the same can be said about presentation. The simplest of recipes are elevated to grand status with a few tidbits of garnish. Now certainly, I’m not suggesting you learn to carve whales out of watermelons or make a rose from a radish, but even when serving a simple meal for Dad and the kids, a little sprinkle of this or that can go a long way. The easiest way to think about garnish is to consider colors and contrast. A little extra color does the trick, but always make sure your garnish colors contrast the colors of the dish. For example, when serving mashed potatoes (white), a tiny sprinkle of dried dill (green) on top will make it stand out. When serving pancakes (brown) a light dusting of powdered sugar (white) on top will give it that professional appearance. In most cases, your garnish will not alter the flavor of the dish at all, as you are only using a tiny amount for color. I suggest keeping the following on hand:

Parsley Flakes
Dried Dill
Dried Thyme (for poultry)
Paprika (great for picnic-type salads)
Powdered Sugar

Fancification – Similar to the garnishes above, these items are little tidbits you can toss into a dish to make it seem like you’ve got actual skill. Again, think contrast – serving a crispy green salad? Add some sliced almonds and chewy white raisins to make it extra special. Serving wild rice (savory) on the side? Stir in some dried apricot (sweet) and bask in the compliments of your guests.

Dried fruit (raisins, apricots, etc.)
Dried nuts (peanuts, soy nuts, walnuts, hazelnuts, macadamias, etc.)
Granola (btw, I’ve often found granola cereals to be cheaper than mixed bags of granola in the baking aisle)
Seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, etc.)

Beverages – Be it Kool-Aid, Crystal Light, Lipton’s team mix, or coffee, keep ‘em on hand for a quick, add-water-and-stir solution that will make your meal a little more exciting.

Sweets – Always, and I say always keep some vanilla ice-cream on hand. Add to that a bottle of chocolate syrup or some fruit preserves, and you have instant dessert whenever you need it (“Honey…. I brought the boss home for supper!!!)

So there it is – a very short list and one big piece of advice: you don’t have to have a walk-in pantry in order to get by in the kitchen. Just keep a few things on hand all the time, and do a weekly grocery trip based on what you will be cooking.

Easy Chicken Parmesan

2006-02-19T14:20:00.000-08:00

Chicken is one of those things that can be used in so many ways that it’s really just freaky. Boiled, fried, baked, steamed, niked, etc. ad nauseum. It really goes well with just about anything, and takes just a minimum amount of effort to dress it up.

List of Ingredients

2 lb Chicken, breast
2 oz Cheese, parmesan, shredded
1 tsp Oregano

Instructions for Preparation

First Skin the chicken- Usually, the skin on chicken is a good thing (for this fat loving fool, anyway) but in this case, I really think it comes out better without the skin. Rub the oregano into the meat.

Second In a hot pan, add two tablespoons of olive oil and cook the chicken for 10 to 12 minutes per side on medium heat, or till tender and no pink remains in the thickest part of the breast meat.

Third Sprinkle the breasts with the shredded parmesan, and allow it to melt. I usually nuke it at this point as a matter of convenience (translation: I'm an impatient bastard).

Fourth Scarf it down, allowing it to cool long enough so that you won't scald the roof of your mouth. Oh come on. Like you've never done it.

The Bad Cook’s Kitchen

2006-02-19T13:39:00.000-08:00

Setting up a kitchen when you think cooking sucks is painfully difficult. The Bad Cook’s kitchen generally comes in two types.

1. The “I never even think about my kitchen” kitchen

2. The “If I buy more stuff, my cooking will improve” kitchen

The first template is often to be found in the home of the single person, or the home of a couple who are married/ shacked up, and have no kids, but you can find it in any home. These are the kitchens of those of us who are sublimely unprepared to so much as hard boil an egg. These are the kitchens with jelly jars for drinking glasses, one skillet with the non-stick coating coming off in the middle, mismatched silverware, and an unused toaster oven from the wedding 2 years ago.

The second paradigm is what I think of as the “tool-oriented” kitchen, which can be great for a creative cook who loves the art, but is crippling overkill when you hate to cook. Here, you’ll find too many pots and pans for the cupboard and 18 small appliances that allow you to create anything from sandwich pockets to riced potatoes to perfectly poached chicken breasts. Bad cooks in this category will rarely ever ask themselves if they actually need to shoot salad ingredients from a gun, or if they really need a special device just for making perfect pats of butter. They love to shop for the kitchen, and will buy a special counter-top grill that is strictly for making quesadillas without a thought to where they will store it when they get it home. They’ll buy a rotating, countertop pizza oven that collects dust while they continue to order from the local Pizza Kiosk because it turns out that cleaning the home pizzeria is a total bitch. They’ll pick up automatic garlic slicing doohickey, even though they never think to by garlic by the clove. Why do they make all these purchases if they hate to cook? Because they are on the hunt, my friends, for that perfect doohickey that will finally make cooking a tolerable exercise. If you have a whole cabinet or shelf devoted to bagel toasters, cotton candy makers, counter-top grills, and pineapple slicers, then this category is yours. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

When you hate to cook, you have to supply your kitchen in such a way that you play to your strengths and admit to your weaknesses. On the one hand, cooking will never become something you will tolerate if you have to brown hamburger meat for the spaghetti in the wok that your brother picked up for you in Korea. Likewise, your family or loved one will never enjoy breakfast at home if they have to eat their cereal out of the blender jar. Extreme minimalism will kill the desire to cook and mutilate your attempt to serve a meal at home. Ironically enough, kitchen supply overkill will only do the exact same thing. Having too many dishes to eat and drink from will only give you the opportunity to put off doing the dishes for two weeks. 62 small appliances designed to only do one thing will take up too much space, overwhelm your meager creativity stores, and very likely only get used once.

Here are some basic concepts to help you supply your kitchen with what you need.

* If you hate to cook, you probably will not enjoy cleaning up the mess afterward either.
* If you don’t entertain often, you really only need enough plates and cutlery for yourself and your family.
* A huge variety of small appliances will not make you enjoy cooking all of a sudden, and the chances of your using a Tortilla Press on a regular basis is pretty slim.

Below, I’ve compiled a list of minimum essentials – designed to allow you to cook adequately for yourself or family.

Cutlery Forks, Spoons, and Butter knives. Buy enough to serve your family twice before you have to wash the dishes. One spoon size is plenty – you don’t need all those different sizes.

Dishware Large plates, small plates, cereal/ soup bowls. If you drink coffee, get two mugs for each member of the family that drinks it. Most department stores these days allow you to buy individual dishes instead of the boxed kit that always comes with coffee cups that are too damned small and saucers that you’ll never put your coffee cup on. You will, however, blithely eat an egg off of said saucers instead of washing the dishes. You know who you are.

Glassware 12 ounce glasses, 2 for each member of your family.

Knives One decent chef’s knife (8 inch should do); a small paring knife; a serrated edge bread knife, and a set of steak knives.

Pots and Pans One skillet, 10 inch or so, non-stick. 2 quart saucepan; one Dutch oven, one egg pan.

Bakeware 1 casserole dish that is 9" x 13" is great – you can use it for casseroles, or the odd cake you may need to bake.

Appliances Coffee maker, toaster, can opener, microwave and Foreman Grill (the big one). I’ve owned several table top grills in my life, and I do suggest you splurge for the Foreman. Last but not least in the appliance department, pick up a good waffle iron. It will change the way you think about Sunday breakfast.

Linens 4 dishtowels, 2 rags, 2 potholders, 4 plate scrubby thingies.

Misc. Kitchen timer, meat thermometer, spaghetti server; slotted spoon; ladle.

Now I understand that the above list may seem rather minimal, and in fact, you may already have ten times this much in your hellhole, erm, kitchen. If you truly hate cooking, I strongly suggest you pare down your collection (give it away, eBay it, yard sale, whatever). You’ll appreciate the sense of liberation that comes with knowing that your kitchen is not glutted with wasted money in the shape of useless gadgets. It’s truly a great feeling to know that every dish in the house can be dirty but you still only have one load for the dishwasher. In all of this you have a single goal – to turn your kitchen into a nice, inviting destination, as opposed to a sinking pit of despair. The less clutter, the more goal oriented the better.

When You Hate to Cook

2006-02-19T13:38:00.000-08:00

What is life like when you hate to cook? At home (where the Mom is), it was easy. You dragged your lazy ass out of bed (or more likely, the bed dragged you, as they say in Soviet Russia), wandered downstairs, rubbed your little eyes with the back of a curled fist. You gazed at the dining room table, laden with pancakes, bacon and eggs, and the occasional hand-made buttermilk biscuits. Mom, bedecked in pearls and sensible heels, poured your juice for you, cut up your eggs, and spoon fed you such down-home goodness, all while marinating that night’s steaks and soaking the supper potatoes in salt-water.

Okay, so that scene sets off the bullshit sensor, I know, but the idea is still valid. For many of us, our childhood memories are punctuated by scenes of amazing home-cookery, be it from Mom, Granny Mother, or even Uncle Joe with his barbeque obsession. Uncle Joe had other obsessions as well, but we’ll not discuss that here. Once you left home, hating to cook still might not have been so bad. As a single young adult, the lure of the local fast food joint promises convenience and thrift. Eating an evening meal that consists of cheese puffs, pickles, and Mountain Dew doesn’t bother anybody, and besides, no one will know except your dorm mate or the cat.

Things can change as the years go by, however, and before you know it, you have two kids to feed, a husband who hates McDonald’s, a bank account that can’t afford Sunday breakfast for four at the local egg-joint, or a Mother-in-law’s shadow to live under. Maybe you live in a rural area, and eating out isn’t feasible, or perhaps you simply want to impress friends, or celebrate a special occasion. These are the times that hating to cook simply sucks, my friends; when the weekly grocery store trip becomes a hateful excursion into misery, and when the sight of your beloved family picking at the dinner you just made while mumbling insincere compliments can become heartbreaking.

When you hate to cook, you tend to stand in awe of the people who simply love it, like those persons listed above. How in flaming hell did Mom manage to keep the hash browns warm while she made the eggs? How did she manage to serve pancakes to 4 people, but none of them had to wait while the others got started? How did Uncle Joe know how hot his charcoal grill was without a thermometer? How did he manage to juggle hot dogs, sirloin strips and hamburgers all at once, and not burn any of it?

When you hate to cook, but feel as if you have to, you need to plan ahead, and plan around the swift, efficient use of the kitchen. Let’s face it – you simply are not hardwired to remember that basil goes great with tomatoes, or that rosemary is good for chicken. If that’s the case, why waste time planning for a magnificent seven course meal, or waste valuable cabinet space storing three complete sets of cookware (face it hon, if you burn water in an aluminum saucepan, you’ll still burn it in your brand new Visions cookware). Play to your strengths, admit your weaknesses, and plan to the future.

In future updates, I’ll help you:

• Stock your kitchen with only what you need
• Create strategies for Combat Shopping
• Stock your pantry for easy meals and emergencies both
• Develop a personal cookbook that doesn’t waste your time or riddle you with guilt (unless you’re Catholic – then the guilt is here to stay. Sorry about that)
• Master several handy techniques that will cut time and bolster your meager abilities in the kitchen

In addition, I’ll be on the hunt for quick and easy recipes – 15 minutes of prep time and 5 ingredients or less of both – so that you won’t have to look for them yourself. In between, and here and there, I’ll likely tend to rant and rave about various things that have me excited or pissed off at any given time, and may even wander way off topic once in a while.

Please feel free to comment on any entry – ask questions, suggest changes, or make requests. I won’t necessarily be here every day, but I will be here.

5 Minute Veggie Burgers

2006-02-11T17:40:00.000-08:00

-= Exported from BigOven =-

5 Minute Veggie Burgers

I'm not a vegetarian. In fact, I tend to be annoyed by vegetarians more than anything else. I have often found myself curious about vegetarian or even vegan cookery, but unfortunately, most of the vegetarians I have known or met have driven me straight off the culture. If you are veg-head and reading this, slap the shit out of your tofu-eating companions the next time they come off as uppity morons. You'll do the movement a world of good. Having said all that, upon occasion, I open my refrigerator and find jack-shit inside. The cupboards are often worse off than the fridge. Today is such a day.

Recipe By: posted by Jake at 7:40 PM
Serving Size: 4
Cuisine:
Main Ingredient:
Categories: <5 Ingredients, beans, vegetarian

-= Ingredients =-
Ingredients
2 Cans of Bush Baked Beans ; drained
1 Egg
2 tbsp oil
1 -4 cup barbecue sauce

-= Instructions =-
Mash the beans, egg, and bread crumb with a fork or potato masher. Form into patties with your hands. The best way to do this is to get your hands wet first so the gunk doesn't stick. Grab a wad of the bean-dough, and roll it into a ball, like playdough. If you're truly anal retentive, you can use an ice-cream scoop to make sure you get equal amounts.

Once you have a ball, squish it flat with your wet hands, and plop it in the already-hot pan, which is set to medium high. Wet your hands again, and repeat.

Fry in a hot pan with 2 TBSP for 1 minute per side on medium-high heat (more if you're so used to burnt food that you've come to enjoy it). Drizzle with BBQ sauce. Serves 4.

Done. Serve with nuked veggies from a can.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: http://www.bigoven.com **

Yes. Cooking does, in fact, suck.

2006-02-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

Let’s face it. Cooking sucks. You hate cooking and it shows. If it wasn’t for your stupid husband and his stupid mother, you’d own stock in McDonalds and Applebee’s. The picture to the left of this text-wall pisses you off. You cook because you have to. You do it to impress, show love, save money, or because if you don’t, you’ll never hear the frigging end of it.

Welcome to the world of CookingSucks. I don’t care if you can’t boil water. Doesn’t matter if you’re working three jobs, have two kids, a dog and a learning disability; this blog is for you. Your mother the chef is coming to visit? So what. Potluck at church? Don’t sweat it. Birthday for dear, dear hubby, and you forgot to buy him something? BREAKFAST IN BED. That’s right. I said it. And you can do it.

Let this blog be an inspiration for you- for once some asshat who loves to cook won’t be shoving tips for using chervil in your face. Instead of the usual crap disguised as easy and fun, when in fact it is frustrating and ridiculous, here you’ll find recipes and techniques that will help you produce good food without wanting to eat a bullet. Here, you’ll never find techniques that require a cuisnenart and the patience of Job. No recipes that require you to be a stay at home slave with the determination of a marathon runner.