Cooking Sucks.

Fast, easy recipes and kitchen tips for those who hate to cook, but feel like they have to anyway.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Homemade Flour Tortillas! Easy and Fun *HUGZ*!

Okay can I say that some experiments turn out to be direct gateways to hell? I got the hip, happenin' idea to go all foody and make my own tortillas last night, right, becuase what the hell, I used to be a baker, and it's not even freaking leavened, you know?

My hands still hurt. I am filled with shame and angst, and have been listening to ACDC and eating pork rinds ever since. With much beer. Annotated recipe, for those who cannot help but check out a train wreck in progress:

-= Exported from BigOven =-

Flour Tortillas

Recipe By:
Source: Southwest cookbook
Serving Size: 12
Main Ingredient:

-= Ingredients =-
* ; 4 cups Unbleached all purpose flour
* ; 2 teaspoons Salt
* ; 4 teaspoons Baking powder
* ; 2 tablespoons Vegetable shortening
* ; 1 1/2 cups Warm water or more if needed

-= Instructions =-
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, salt and baking powder. With a pastry blender, a fork or your hands, gradually work in the lard or shortening until it is all incorporated. Add enough warm water to make a soft but not sticky dough. Turn out onto a lightly floured board and knead for 5 minutes.
Divide the dough into 1/4 cup (3 oz) portions and form them into balls.
Roll each ball into a flat round about 6 inches in diameter and 1/8 inches thick.
Heat a large heavy skillet over medium high heat. Place the tortillas one at a time into the dry hot skillet; cook until brown on one side, then turn and brown the other side.
Remove from the skillet and keep warm in cloth towel.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: **

Okay, now for the pain and suffering. The first obstacle that bitch slapped me is the fact that I cut my right index finger 3 minutes before starting. So here I am bleeding into sterilized medical gauze and waterproof paper tape, whilst faced with the prospect of cutting shortening into flour. Do I own a pastry cutter? Hell no. Am I about to use a fork? "Two knives, criss-crossed"? God that phrase just pisses me off. How the heck does one use two criss-crossed knives to cut shortening into flour? I've never figured that out. So of course, all of these "I went to culinary school" techniques are totally out of my range, so I just use my fingers. However, I usually use both hands. I'm thinking that blood-flavored tortillas might suck, so I commence to using one hand. Yes, dear Virginia, this took 15 minutes.

Now I'm ready to add the water and knead. This wasn't too bad, but after cutting the shortening one handed and kneading for ten minutes, my one good hand was killing me. After this? Cut 14 equal portions of the dough (yes it serves 12, but I'm a cheap bastard), and roll to 1/8th inch thick rounds. Thus goes by the next HOUR AND A HALF.

The end result was great, but it's hard to enjoy tortillas when you are angry and in pain.

End verdict for Jake: buying this:

End verdict if you hate to cook: buy this:

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Kick Ass Ramen Recipes

Found this blog/website/whatever today: which appears to be devoted entirely to the subject of enhancing one's 8 cent noodles. If I could marry this man and have his children, I would seriously consider it. Well okay, that's not true. I'd probably whore myself out to the talk shows as the first man with ovaries instead. Check it out.

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