Cooking Sucks.

Fast, easy recipes and kitchen tips for those who hate to cook, but feel like they have to anyway.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Blogger Help : What is BlogThis! ?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Homemade Flour Tortillas! Easy and Fun *HUGZ*!

Okay can I say that some experiments turn out to be direct gateways to hell? I got the hip, happenin' idea to go all foody and make my own tortillas last night, right, becuase what the hell, I used to be a baker, and it's not even freaking leavened, you know?

My hands still hurt. I am filled with shame and angst, and have been listening to ACDC and eating pork rinds ever since. With much beer. Annotated recipe, for those who cannot help but check out a train wreck in progress:

-= Exported from BigOven =-

Flour Tortillas

Recipe By:
Source: Southwest cookbook
Serving Size: 12
Main Ingredient:

-= Ingredients =-
* ; 4 cups Unbleached all purpose flour
* ; 2 teaspoons Salt
* ; 4 teaspoons Baking powder
* ; 2 tablespoons Vegetable shortening
* ; 1 1/2 cups Warm water or more if needed

-= Instructions =-
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, salt and baking powder. With a pastry blender, a fork or your hands, gradually work in the lard or shortening until it is all incorporated. Add enough warm water to make a soft but not sticky dough. Turn out onto a lightly floured board and knead for 5 minutes.
Divide the dough into 1/4 cup (3 oz) portions and form them into balls.
Roll each ball into a flat round about 6 inches in diameter and 1/8 inches thick.
Heat a large heavy skillet over medium high heat. Place the tortillas one at a time into the dry hot skillet; cook until brown on one side, then turn and brown the other side.
Remove from the skillet and keep warm in cloth towel.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: **

Okay, now for the pain and suffering. The first obstacle that bitch slapped me is the fact that I cut my right index finger 3 minutes before starting. So here I am bleeding into sterilized medical gauze and waterproof paper tape, whilst faced with the prospect of cutting shortening into flour. Do I own a pastry cutter? Hell no. Am I about to use a fork? "Two knives, criss-crossed"? God that phrase just pisses me off. How the heck does one use two criss-crossed knives to cut shortening into flour? I've never figured that out. So of course, all of these "I went to culinary school" techniques are totally out of my range, so I just use my fingers. However, I usually use both hands. I'm thinking that blood-flavored tortillas might suck, so I commence to using one hand. Yes, dear Virginia, this took 15 minutes.

Now I'm ready to add the water and knead. This wasn't too bad, but after cutting the shortening one handed and kneading for ten minutes, my one good hand was killing me. After this? Cut 14 equal portions of the dough (yes it serves 12, but I'm a cheap bastard), and roll to 1/8th inch thick rounds. Thus goes by the next HOUR AND A HALF.

The end result was great, but it's hard to enjoy tortillas when you are angry and in pain.

End verdict for Jake: buying this:

End verdict if you hate to cook: buy this:

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Kick Ass Ramen Recipes

Found this blog/website/whatever today: which appears to be devoted entirely to the subject of enhancing one's 8 cent noodles. If I could marry this man and have his children, I would seriously consider it. Well okay, that's not true. I'd probably whore myself out to the talk shows as the first man with ovaries instead. Check it out.

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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Why is Craftster eating Wikipedia?

Look over there to the right.... your other right.... why is my little Craftster icon eating the Wiki link..... It's like they're mating.....

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Rancher's Beans

Frijoles Rancheros, as my grandmother never called them, are exquisitely easy to make and enjoy, whether you are down home white trash such as myself or a busy as all hell suburban pillar of the community. The ideal serving suggestion for these is with sweet cornbread with salted butter, which follows the recepe below.

-= Exported from BigOven =-
Rancher's Beans

Recipe By: Jake
Serving Size: 6
Cuisine: American
Main Ingredient: Beans

-= Ingredients =-
2 cans of white beans 16 oz
2 cans of black beans 16 oz
1 16 ounce jar salsa (as hot as you like it)

-= Instructions =-

Using your can opener, open the four cans of beans and dump into a medium sized saucepan (translation - whatever it all fits in). Add the jar of salsa, and cook on medium heat until it jsut begins to bubble. Stir it quite regular unless you enjoy scraping burnt beans off the bottom of your medium sized saucepan.

Voila. Serves six. Now for the cornbread - the most important ingredients here are the pre made boxed mixes. Who the hell wants to fool around with making cornbread from scratch? What is this, Little House on the Prairie???


1 Jiffy yellow cake mix
1 Jiffy cornbread mix
3 eggs

Mix both together and follow directions on cornbread mix. Makes delicious, sweet cornbread.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: **

Now just a note about the most important technique I've illustrated above. Anyone can pour a can of beans into a pot and add some Pace, so cooking this meal alone won't win you any brownie points if you're trying to impress. However, if you serve your Frijoles Rancheros along with fresh baked sweet cornbread and salted butter, then you look like you know what your doing.

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Strawberry Yogurt Smoothie

This post serves a dual purpose - one, to add another recipe to the blog that fits our criteria, and two, to test a piece of recipe management software called BigOven. So far, in using the demo version, I'm really very excited - it seems to be everything I'm looking for, and at a low, low price too.

Please excuse me for assuming that you have a blender in your kitchen. If you do not, just dump the ingredients into a large bowl, and smash with your feet until well combined. Then give it to the cat and drink a beer instead.

-= Exported from BigOven =-

Strawberry Yogurt Smoothie

-= Ingredients =-
1 1/2 cups cold fat free milk
1 1/2 teaspoons strawberry ; low calorie soft drink mix
1 container (8oz.) vanilla lowfat yogurt
1 cup frozen strawberries

-= Instructions =-
Place all ingredients in blender in order listed; cover.

Blend on high speed until smooth. Serve immediately.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: **

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Saturday, March 04, 2006

D-I-V-O-R-C-E... not just a song by Tammy Winette....

So it turns out I'm getting divorced. I've kind of struggled on how this would hit the blog, but I think I've decided to include it after all. For one thing, this seriously hits my ability to act as a test kitchen for my loverly Internet babies that detest cooking - after all, my budget is seriously impacted by all this as my soon-to-be-ex-wife and I work together to set up not one, but TWO households. All of a sudden, I find myself cooking for three (include in that daily lunches) on a foodshoestring.

Right now, my current budget as a brand-spanking-new Single Dad allows $200 per month for groceries. That seems high, but at the same time, I'm just not sure... I'm ashamed to say that I've never paid a lot of attention to what we spend on groceries. We've always just bought what we needed... crying shame that. Makes me realize just how much I've taken it all forgranted.

But anyways, enough about me, here's a recipe.

-= Exported from BigOven =-

Cold and Bitter

Yummy divorce inspired coffee. MMMM the sweet smell of sarcasm..... just like mom used to make.

Recipe By: Jake's sleep deprived head
Serving Size: 1
Cuisine: American
Main Ingredient: Coffee

-= Ingredients =-
1/2 ounce Kahlua
1/2 ounce Malibu Coconut Rum
5 drops Baily's Irish Creme
7 ounce Cheap assed, generic, stale coffee

-= Instructions =-
To prepare: Pour equal parts Kahlua and Malibu rum into a shot glass. Add a few drops of Bailey's irish cream. In a tall glass of ice, combine this with 7 ounces of the nastiest, most generic, no-frills-roasted-sixteen-years-ago-no-name-jackass-coffee you can find. Brew it however you like it, and let it sit right up until the oil floats on the top.

Voila - enjoy the fruits of your combined sweetness and negligence.

** This recipe can be pasted into BigOven without retyping. **
** Easy recipe software. Try it free at: **

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Walnut Chicken Salad

Chicken Salad is one of life's unsung pleasures. Far better than tuna salad, in my ever so humble opinion, and lends itself to wacky additions (such as walnuts) much better. You'll notice that this recipe has 6 ingredients, but one of them is salt, which you can leave out, so quitcher bitchin'.

List of Ingredients

1 lb Chicken, light meat, meat only, cooked and cubed
1/4 cup walnut pieces
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/4 cup raw celery, minced (cut up real tiny)

Instructions for Preparation

Starting with cooked chicken, that you've either skinned, boned, and diced ahead of time, or purchased that way (god I love modern shopping), simply mix these ingriedients in a medium bowl for a delicious chicken salad. This goes well with pork rinds or rolled up in large romaine lettuce leaves.

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